America Must Stop the Divisive Rhetoric. Kennedy Can Help.

“A House Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand.”– Abraham Lincoln, 1858, Springfield, IL

“We must learn to live together as brothers [and sisters] or perish together as fools.”

– Martin Luther King, 1964, St.Louis, MO

By Helena Hjalmarsson, MA, LCSW, LP, Special to The Kennedy Beacon

There is an upsurge of collective narcissism in this country in general and in political life in particular. It’s an us vs. them mentality. The ultimate polarization, a lack of integration. It’s ‘If you’re not for us, you’re against us’ rhetoric. 

Democrats and Republicans shout obscenities at each other in Congress. Our president and our country’s former president insult each other in debate and ruminate about who can beat whom in golf rather than discussing what is going on in our country and what they plan to do about it. We are facing the ultimate Jerry Springer show. One compares his opponent’s speech to Hitler’s, and refuses to leave office even after most Americans are convinced age and wear and tear has got the best of him. Many of us are feeling shocked by the premise of a world leader – our leader – struggling to form simple words and sentences, never mind concepts and effective political proposals. 

On the other side of the political arena, Trump is busy rebuking Biden rather than focusing on people and their lives. In his comments on Biden’s State of the Union address, Trump proclaimed that he is “running for president to end the destruction of our country.” In a March 16 speech in Ohio, Trump said, “If I don’t get elected, it’s going to be a bloodbath.” Later in this same speech he emphasized, “I don’t think you’re going to have another election in this country if we don’t win this election.” Threats and promises. Few details about issues that matter for Americans. 

This amped-up antagonism against the 'other' comes with pumped-up bravado and self importance and a progressively compromised ability to empathize with other groups and other people’s feelings and thoughts. This is coupled with an excessive need to be constantly validated, admired as the ultimate winner of everything. 

All of it has nothing to do with people’s lives. We are winners and losers and everything in between. 

On both sides of the political spectrum, it’s a ‘my way or the highway’ approach. And, as we saw on July 13, the consequence of such escalating and intensifying polarization between presidential candidates, and between Democrats and Republicans, is no joke. 

Seeing our former president and leader of the Republican party grazed on his upper ear by a bullet from an AR-15 rifle should make us all calm down in our contempt and dismay for each other’s views and political affiliations. It should make us look for a leader who can unify rather than divide; heal rather than intensify fear, hatred and violence. 

The opposite of narcissism is mutuality. An ability to hold and accept multiple perspectives. An integrated outlook, where the world is not black and white but full of color. Rather than projecting and blaming the outside for inside disarray, there is an honest understanding that problems are co-created, and solutions too. 

Speaking with Sean Hannity on Fox News on July 13, the same day Trump was shot, Kennedy did not focus on his campaign, but about his hope that Americans can step back and take a breath, see that “it’s time to end the vitriol” and realize that whoever wins the election will not, in fact, end the republic. 

Generously, and in spite not sharing Kennedy's political views, Hannity wanted to make the interview about RFK Jr., who until last week had been denied Secret Service protection by the Biden administration despite his father’s and uncle’s assassinations and the multiple threats to his and his family’s life and wellbeing. But in this interview, Kennedy kept saying that he didn’t want to make this day about himself but rather point to something bigger, emphasizing the bravery and commitment to protecting the U.S. Constitution among the individual Secret Service men and women during the shooting, pointing to how they put their own bodies between the bullet and Trump. 

Kennedy also expressed gratitude that Trump and his family were safe and not seriously harmed, and stressed the need to pray for Trump’s recovery and for the healing of our country. He also talked about the possibility of viewing the event not as cause for further outrage, but as an opportunity to “bite our tongue when someone gives us a withering reply” or stop ourselves from “amplifying an angry post from someone else,” or “do something kind for someone we don’t like, someone on the other side of the aisle [...].” 

Kennedy is a person who really wants to repair. He wakes up every morning thinking about how he can be of service. He is constantly pondering how he can heal what is wounded, inside and outside himself. He won’t stop thinking about the predicaments of the most vulnerable in this country. He will not engage in projections. In belittling and boasting and self-promoting. He refuses to take part in the blame game. 

The attempt to assassinate Trump should remind us of what can happen when we rally too hard against each other. When we give in to narcissistic tendencies to make our opponents despicable and ourselves self-righteous. We should remember that when anger turns into rage, leaders like MLK, JFK, RFK, Malcolm X and others are assassinated. 

In his interview with Hannity, Kennedy recalls how when his uncle was killed there were posters all over the city of Dallas with pictures of JFK with the headline, “Wanted Dead or Alive.” When MLK and Robert F. Kennedy were shot, the former only two months before the latter, the country was plagued by riots, and the anger between political opponents was boiling over. Not dissimilar from our current political climate. 

The ultimate goal in Narcissistic Personality Disorder on an individual level is the survival of self at the expense of another. It has nothing to do with real connection, respect and compassion. A person plagued by this disorder cannot connect with and experience themselves. They feel empty and dead inside. So they bond with someone with poor boundaries and a soft heart. They fuse with them and when the connection is at its peak, they destroy the other in order to separate, hoping that they finally will be able to escape their own inner emptiness and experience themselves and their own aliveness. It doesn’t really matter who their mate is. As long as they can create a strong bond with them that then can be destroyed by humiliating the other, blaming them, dominating and abandoning them, taking away their confidence and sense of dignity in order to create a ‘new’ experience of self. A kind of extreme ‘survival of the fittest.’ What their mate feels and needs and wants is quite besides the point. 

In this scenario, there is not much the individual caught up with a narcissistic mate can do other than leave. There will be a time of feeling lost and low and without direction. There will be a sense of depletion and low self-confidence. But in time, the person will begin to reconnect with themselves, feel a revival of freedom and life force and self-assurance. And finally, leaving pays off.

On a broader scale, our country has suffered under administrations that have bullied and blamed rather than co-created with their citizens; self-boasted and punished rather than focused on, protected and appreciated their people; suppressed and gaslighted rather than listened to, supported and believed in Americans’ own ability to make good decisions for themselves. The result is a lot of disempowered, disillusioned Americans. A lot of people who have lost faith in themselves and in their ability to create good, healthy, happy lives.

To restore faith in ourselves and each other, we must choose better. 

As the individual plagued by a narcissistic partner, we, the people, must take back lost ground. We must find the antidote to the narcissistic movement towards hate and violence. We must learn to voice our opinions without being fearful of being ridiculed and gaslighted. We must stand our own ground. 

And we must choose a leader who will say, ‘this is not about me,’ someone who is not busy promoting himself from dusk to dawn or hating on his opponents but who will remain focused on the people he is committed to serve. Someone who will listen to, co-create with and protect – not from controversial information and debate, but from censorship, corruption, division, disregard and vilification. Someone who is willing to change his mind, examine himself and keep things mutual. 

We are still a young country and we could use a role model. A leader with decision-making power who is interested in and capable of calming things down and opening things up rather than instilling fear and shutting us down towards each other. Someone who is so comfortable with his own humanity that he can apologize for his mistakes. An individual who wants to create a partnership with the American people that is based on mutual respect, genuine dialogue, receptivity, humility and compassion. 

Helena Hjalmarssom MA, LCSW, LP, is an author, psychoanalyst and NeuroMovement practitioner in North Salem NY.